How to deal with toxic family members? Five ways to cope with toxic family members.

Being around toxic family members can be highly energy draining. Family dynamics with your blood relatives or in-laws can be a little tricky to manage and a whole lot more complicated because, in many situations, you could be dependent on your family for certain things or vice versa. Even if you are independent, our societal norms have ingrained a certain level of formality and respect regarding such connections.

Family can pull on our patience like no other. There is often a lot of emotional energy involved with such connections. It's also tough to break off contact with your family members even if you recognize their toxic behaviour. Even though you realize that your in-laws or blood relatives are manipulating, blaming, lying or being judgemental, which affects you negatively, it can be hard to find a solution and act upon it.

These connections affect us like no other because subconsciously when we think of family, whether it is our parents, family members we grew up with, or the parents of the person we married, we tend to think of them as somebody who is always going to be there for us. We assume that they are our safe space, and we automatically open up our hearts and minds to them without many mental or emotional barriers. In contrast, if you would go out in the world and meet a stranger, it will take you a lot of time to love and trust them as opposed to how you love and trust your family unconditionally. This is how our minds work, and it is of no fault of ours.

Many people out there take on a lot of emotional and sometimes drastically physical abuse just because they feel powerless when someone from their own family does it—parents, spouses, siblings, extended relations etc. Anyone could be projecting very toxic traits, and it could take years to acknowledge and understand what is happening with you.

Hence, when you do recognize your feelings about such toxic behaviour, the first step is to acknowledge it and make it your truth. And the reason why it's straightforward, a lot of the time, we may even gaslight ourselves into thinking that we are in the wrong because these connections are very deep rooted within us, and we want these relationships to be successful inherently, often ignoring our own needs.

Here are a few toxic traits and characteristics that the person may be exhibiting toward you;

1. They are incredibly selfish and very manipulative. They would go to lengths to do their bidding. The most common trait of manipulative people is that their end goal is always something that serves them and does not regard you or your desires at all. Manipulation also comes in several types; It could range from trying to control every little thing you do to emotionally manipulating you to do something for them. Some of the most common examples that our readers tell us about are their toxic in-laws; they often expect the spouse to only care and work for their son or daughter without respecting their own life and individuality.
   

2. They brainwash you or at least try to. As the family is in close contact, they spend much more personal time with you. They often try to verbally tell you all about their beliefs and try to change your mind to something that they feel is right. We often see it when a family member pressures you to choose something because they think that one career path is the way to go without regarding your thoughts or feelings.
   

3. They blame others for their mistakes or become very defensive when confronted about their own negative actions. They take no responsibility for their actions or even try to gaslight you as if they did not mean what they said or did. Ever heard "I was only joking?" for something that hurt you and you felt was intentional? It is one of the most common toxic traits, a lot of the time, people would say a lot of hurtful things, and when you confront them, they would not apologize and instead put it back on you because you did not understand or even become defensive about it.
   

4. They do not care about your feelings, thoughts or needs at all. Also, they may try to undermine you in order to make themselves feel superior.
   

5. They manipulate other family members to gang up on you and do their bidding.
   

6. They're often very critical and judgemental, which comes off as being extremely cruel. There is no kindness or empathy in many of their actions, and you can feel that.
   

7. They constantly bring up your weak moments or even something personal that you may have confided in when they need to argue or defend themselves.
   

8. They lie and cheat to get their own way.

Suppose you have recognized a toxic behaviour pattern with someone extremely close to you and someone that you necessarily cannot break off all contact with. In that case, there are strategies and ways to deal with that toxic behaviour that you must know to protect your own emotional, mental and physical well-being.

Here are five ways how you can deal with a toxic family member.

1. Setting strong boundaries. It is definitely easier said than done, but setting boundaries is essential for you to protect yourself. It is very easy to get caught in this never-ending cycle of toxicity, but setting boundaries can help you break the cycle. Once you recognize the behaviour and it does not feel good to you, you have to take actionable steps to create boundaries with the people you're dealing with. For relatives you do not live with or are not dependent upon, it is best to limit all contact and minimize meetings as much as possible. You don't need to call or text or even reply to them online or offline. If you are confronted, you can tell that you are extremely busy. Avoid talking to them as much as you can. You can also relate to them that you will not be available at all for any of their thoughts and concerns. For family members you live in close contact with or share a dependent relationship in some or other ways, it can be a little complicated to set up boundaries. Know that setting these boundaries will take up more time and will be a slow process at first. Suppose you're living with toxic people or even are in close, constant contact with them due to unavoidable circumstances. In that case, it will be a little hard to set boundaries in the beginning because toxic people do not want you to have any boundaries with them; that is how they feed off of your energy. But to protect yourself, you need to showcase yourself as someone who is not easily accessible to them. One way to do that is to find a safe space within your house where you can be with your own thoughts and are not allowing these family members to come and disturb you there. This is an actionable habit that you will have to establish without speaking too much about it because if you do relate it to them, it'll just be a never-ending argument. Next, it is also OK for you to ignore what they say and try to shield your mind and say a strong "no" to them. For example, if you're living with a family member who constantly wants you to do something for them, and you know that it is coming from a very manipulative place, you can start to say no to things you don't want to do. Begin by taking your stand on a few easier things at first.
   

2. Set your non-negotiable duties and roles: We may find ourselves in some toxic relationships where we are responsible for some basic care or responsibilities for the other person. It could range from somebody being dependent upon you to be polite and formal if you bump into them once in a blue moon. It could also mean that you are attached to that toxic person through somebody that you love; it could be an in-law or, say, an aunt who your mother adores. In such cases, figure out how much you are willing to do for them according to your abilities. "After having an in-depth conversation with my spouse, I have set my particular roles when it comes to my in-laws. I will be polite and formal if I meet them for a few minutes, but I will not sit for hours on end or listen to their nonsense as it turns toxic immediately." -A reader Do not engage in conversations with toxic people. Engaging in discussions with them gives them a chance to manipulate and brainwash you. You will also notice that they don't care for your thoughts on the matter. Make it a point that you are not actively conversing with them. Toxic people have a way of triggering you for you to respond as this is the only way in their minds to feel that satisfaction of seeing you react. Once you are not reacting the way they want you to, subconsciously, it is possible that they will lose interest. It is all about control for them, and when they feel that they cannot control your reactions and have no effect on you, that is when they will start to lose interest. Anyway, a toxic person would not change their ways with a conversation or two, so better not to engage with them at all.
   

3. Having a strong and positive support network. You need to engage with people who make you feel supported and loved. It could be family members that love you unconditionally or even close friends. As you disengage from these toxic people, engaging with people who love you is crucial to balance your energy and give yourself a vent plus validation. The love and strength of your true supporters will help you be who you truly are. It will also help you dilute all the negativity you have been facing.
   

4. Mentally strengthen yourself. It is OK to have emotional filters when dealing with toxic family members. Once you recognize that the person you're dealing with may not have your best interest at heart, it is OK to place them in the mental category of someone you need to be aware of. Most of us automatically identify our family members as people with whom we don't need filters, which is why their words affect us more. For example, if a new friend were trying to manipulate you, you would recognize it, acknowledge it and maybe set boundaries or break off contact very quickly. It is because that friend was a stranger at a recent point; your mind already had a lot of filters in place when you dealt with them.
   

5. It may also be very beneficial to talk to a therapist or professional to gain this mental strength and help you along your journey. Not only will a professional help you to rationally figure out your emotions but will also suggest to you personalized steps based on your specific situations.

Know when it's time to give up if you feel that the other person is only interested in getting their way or controlling you; if it feels like you aren't able to deal with them, know it's valid to cut off contact completely.

Rather than feeling guilty, praise yourself that you had the mental and emotional strength to come out of the toxic cycle. That's a great feat to accomplish.

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